Why people choose to stay in abusive relationships.
Yesterday (13th April) I once again joined the Chicken and Chips Facebook live discussion and I learnt several interesting things but I want to share with you one thing which caught my attention.
For you who doesn’t know what Chicken and Chips is, its a puppet reality TV show about love, sex, relationships among other related topics and it airs on NTV Uganda on Sundays and repeated on Fridays.
Back to what I want to share. While discussing gender based violence, we tackled Violent relationships and we tried to share reasons as to why people choose to stay in abusive relationships.
Below are some of the reasons we think force people to stay in such unhealthy relationships where they are either physically, psychologically, sexually, verbally or emotionally tortured.
1. Some People (mostly women) tend to publicize their relationships on social media and those who ain’t on social media still brag about their relationships with friends that when it turns out to be abusive in the long run, they are scared to leave because they can’t see themselves informing us (we the social media in-laws) that the relationship wasn’t roses and sweets. So they choose to stay in there.
2. Many girls in the African setting have been nurtured in a way that they believe once you get married, you should endure everything that comes with it. They have been told to be patient with their husbands because marriages are not easy. “You will never find a marriage without problems,” they say.
But hey! Is being beaten up one of those problems we have been told to endure?
3. Some women with the old tradition mentality still believe that if a man beats you then he loves you. But this leaves me puzzled. I think if a man loves you he will never dare to hurt you. Love doesn’t hurt.
4. Other partners choose to stay in violent relationships because they can’t paint a picture of themselves leaving a “well off” husband/wife. If he/she provides, then they can endure anything as long as they receive some cash from their partners among other luxuries it comes with.
5. Some mothers stay because they are afraid for their children. They are usually scared of becoming single mothers to take full responsibility of their kids. They don’t think they can handle the pressure.
But is it right to stay and allow your little angels witness such violence! I believe its not healthy for them to experience such.
6. Many stay thinking that probably with time things will get better. So they patiently wait for that moment as the suffering continues.
I can go on and on giving other reasons as to why people stay in abusive relationships but that will be for another day.
Talking of beating, why would someone beat his wife or girlfriend? Yes women can nag, but we all know men are more energetic. Beating her won’t prove that you are more of a man but rather less. If she nags you, it costs no cent to walk away.
Same as Controlling behaviors, always demanding for explanations on everything, isolating her from friends, among other abusive acts.
“ You can have a pet zebra and put that zebra into a small cage every day and tell the zebra that you love it, but no matter how you and the zebra love each other, the fact remains, that the zebra should be let out of that cage and should belong to someone who can treat it better, the way it should be treated, someone who can make it happy.”
– C. JoyBell C.
Now, there is absolutely no excuse as to why someone should stay in a violent relationship. If a man ever raises his hand on you, my friend pack your stuff and leave before you lose your life. You might not lose your life but you might lose your eye, a tooth or even your self esteem.
Everyone deserves to be happy. You have a right to be treated with respect.
If you ain’t happy with him/her, it’s very okay to find happiness somewhere else.
And for the well being of the kids, please leave. Such relationships affect the kids more. A girl grows up thinking that every man has a right to beat his woman and all the woman as to do is to endure.
Others grow up and choose to stay single due to fear of being tortured once they get into a relationship.
And for the boys, they won’t do anything different from what they grew up seeing their fathers doing. If he grew up seeing the father sleeping around with different women, verbally abusing the mom, slapping or pushing her, commanding her, name it. He will definitely do the same.
Abuse has no place in a relationship and it gets worse with time. I know someone else might be having a different solution to this but if you ask me, I will tell you to help yourself and get out of that toxic relationship. Don’t even feel bad about yourself. Its not your fault.
Here are some of the many signs of a partner who is likely to be an abuser;
1. Constantly calls/texts when you are away from them.
2. They cut you off from your friends and family.
3. They demand to know who calls you.
4. They have a habit of criticizing you and calling you all sorts of ugly names.
5. They always threaten to kill themselves if you ever leave them.
6. They use words like; “if you don’t do this, I will do do that”
7. They spy on you when you move out to anywhere.
8. They want to control your finances.
9. They order you to ask them for Permission before you do anything.
10. They demand to know who you went out with.
11. They always ask you what took you long to return.
12. They become furious if you miss their calls.
13. They have mood swings.
If any of the above sounds familiar, get out of that dead-end relationship. Quit looking for love where it doesn’t exit.